i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
