weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
