No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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