My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
