i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
