You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
