All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
