The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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