I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
