Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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