just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You can't just leave with hair like that
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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