i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
