Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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