I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
