your thong is hanging out like whoa
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
