what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The power of my boobs compel you
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
