So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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