I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
