Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
