I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
