omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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