I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
