Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
