Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
