So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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