The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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