if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
