Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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