getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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