Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
