Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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