When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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