i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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