Can i not drive my cunt home
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
