Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize