apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I could make wine with my vomit
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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