i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
