He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
