Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
