It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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