the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
