I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
