Please don't use social media to get back at me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
