He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
What drink are we having for lunch?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
