My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
