I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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