youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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