How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
