We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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