as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
