his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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