He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
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