Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm going to jail i love you
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
