I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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