why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
