I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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