dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
