The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize